How To Change Your Life, Part 2: The Difficulty
It’s easy to see how difficult it is to create change in some areas of our lives. Just look for the “problems” you are always bumping up against. Some issues in our lives have a great deal of persistence and are not easily transformed.
In our culture, we sometimes get the sense that knowledge is the key to change, and sometimes it is. Knowledge can be instantly acquired and applied. This works in some arenas and not in others. There seem to be some kinds of behavior that are deeply persistance, that have support at all levels of the creative process, and to change these things is often a more profound and longer process than we can imagine at first blush.
For example.
Last fall we instigated, for critical reasons, a more rigorous exercise program and an even more stingent diet program.
Watching my progress over the months has been an education in the power of inertia to maintain the status quo and the density and power of the resistance we deal with every day. The existing patterns and potentials affect my ability to change at so many levels: of action (what I can do), of my speech (what I habitually say), my emotions (how I feel about things), and my beliefs. The density of the inertia is sobering as I realize how little progress is made each day or week or month, and how tenuous is the grasp on what progress has been made.
I made a decision early on to really try to do the right thing no matter what I thought or felt. This was made easier for me because I had a partner who is always stronger and more capable that I am. So I decided to pretty much agree to do whatever he suggested: ride this far, hike this hill, go out this often. So he would suggest a plan, and I would do my best to cheerfullly say yes and go. Already I knew that I couldn’t overcome my resistance to doing the work by myself. Without the outside nudge, I would not make it. In some ways, I surrendered my decision making to something outside of me as a way to instigate change. (This required two additional tactics: 1) I had to promise my partner that if things get bad, I WOULD stop. 2) I had to create a backup strategy in case I really couldn’t make it, e.g, carry a phone so I could call him if he gets ahead and I needed to stop; know how we would recover if I couldn’t finish. I needed a bail-out plan, otherwise, it would be hard to get past the resistance caused by the fear of failing.)
Inside I was afraid (of the stress or pain), but I would go without saying anything about what I was feeling. Never giving it any outside expression. And though the resistance, litttle by little, was softened, it was always there. I could always feel the urge to refuse, to sit, not to move.
The resistance, in this case, arose on all levels. My body was not really up to enjoying the task. My mind resisted the enforcement of discipline. My emotions never wanted to be subjected to the pain or pressure. On some level I had come to believe that this incapable lump was who I was. (Though I knew better.)
It took 8 full weeks of steady work before any noticeable or measureable differences were observable. 8 weeks—with no results. That’s a long time for me to keep my attention focused when everything inside of me is going the other way. I understand more than I ever have why it is so difficult to change some things. I never fully understood how deep and persistent so many qualities of our physical and emotional lives are. I guess that’s why the Buddhist teachings emphasize that it takes lifetimes for us to evolve. 8 weeks with no visible results; 9 months and there’s a little—a little progress, a little improvement.
But it doesn’t feel permanent at all. It feels tenuous, not a new me, but a hint of a new way of changing a little bit at a time. Whew! And I thought the bike rides were tough.
But Friday, out on a relatively short ride (just an hour) and nothing to prove, I found myself pushing myself over the hills, racing myself up and and down. Now that was something new, and a bit exciting to experience. (Though Saturday and Sunday did not go quite so well.)
